may's confessional is quicksand
a hodgepodge
big surprise: i have no real recollection of this month. so, to give you guys something a little funny before i get existential and philosophical (as i tend to do), here are some excerpts from my notes app:
to-do list:
hate
go to bank
love
write email
get the plans out the gc
joint halloween costume idea:
jimmy butler and tyler herro (or bam)
perry the platypus and dr. doof
organizational model (that’s it, no other notes)
everything was removed from my desk it has to be in one of the boxes or bags, or i threw it away…fuck me (this is about my passport that i have yet to find after i cleaned out my dorm)
butter croissant and hashbrowns — watermelon kiwi refresher with a green tea base (my mom’s coffee order)
timesheet (self-explanatory)
send email for meeting (self-explanatory)
trader joe’s ice cream sandwiches (among other groceries, don’t worry i eat a balanced diet)
i can’t tell where the bit ends and the daunting truth begins. its a thin line that i teeter on. living life on the edge as some may say. my brain works in terms of “oh, this will be a crazy funny story later. my mom lore will go deep.”
and don’t get me wrong: i love a great story. i love always having something to share. i loved show and tell as a child for that reason.
but i feel like a fraud sometimes. like good stories aren’t enough and eventually you’re in a perpetual state of balancing the bit and reality.
may felt a little like quicksand: i finished finals, packed up my dorm, and rotted for a few days. i burnt myself out (surprising! who would’ve guessed 3 hours of sleep and every task imaginable would do that to a girl). each time i tried to do something other than consume brainrot, i sunk deeper into an immobile state. i picked up books that i couldn’t focus on finishing. i tried writing just to hate everything and delete it. each move i made was a tug downward. i don’t really know how to get out of quicksand, even though i watched countless videos as a kid on what to do in case of running into quicksand.
it doesn’t feel like there are enough good stories about this month for it to not feel like i’m tripping over the thin line that separates the bit and the underlying sadness of the bit.
so, i got my tarot cards read. i don’t necessarily believe in the spiritual stuff like that completely, but again, what’s $10 for the bit?
my reading was something along the lines of “you need to step back, see the whole picture, and just do whatever you’ve been hesitating on.”
i ask the reader, “oh, what part of my life is this directed toward?”
she said it was directed toward whatever was on your mind to draw you to get your cards read.
but i don’t know what drove me to her booth. was it just the bit, or a spiritual presence? was it the feeling of sinking, or the need to be told something that validates my pursuits?
i guess in some ways it doesn’t matter why i did it because it happened anyway.
so maybe it was a sign that june is for full-sending it: no hesitations. untethered to the outcomes but focused on what makes sense now.
june is still a line, but a bridge to connect, rather than a wall to divide.
maybe june can also be the stick i can use to pull myself out of the quicksand of may.