march's confessional is a bit

hiiiiiiiiiii happy april fools eve :3

i’ll be honest, i don’t have much planned to write about. almost forgot to write a confessional this month because how the hell is it already april?

i had this thought today when i was planning what to write about what i was doing a year ago today. my snapchat has been reminding me of what i was doing and who i was with. i was going to save this topic for next month because it makes more sense to in my head (read last year’s april confessional for reference) but we’re using it today for this confessional.

me a year ago would probably be rolling in her grave if she knew what i was doing right now. she would be so confused, curse me out, and ask me why and how the fuck. i’d let her go on for like 10 minutes until she shuts up and just give her a ‘womp womp’ after. cause like honestly, she was taking shit way too seriously. i talked about this last confessional too, but shit is so unserious right now. like everything is a bit. i read back on all the melodramatic, 1/5th life crises, and i just kinda giggle.

here’s the thing, full empathy for that version of me: the challenges we face in our heads and in life don’t become less real just because we’ve moved past them. they’re still valid and mean something. i giggle because half of the drama was literally me just being scared of what i didn’t know. despite the rumors of me being a super chill girl: i am a d1 worrier and overthinker (could you tell?)

i was overthinking or preplanning shit that i couldn’t know.

when i say that things are unserious, please understand it needs context and nuance. as someone who literally has a blog where i ‘write’ (a loose term at this point) about seemingly minuscule cultural topics, i take things seriously because things have meanings. they have reasons and purposes to those who want them to have that.

shit is unserious because instead of enjoying the ending of eras or the new beginnings, we hold onto the past or worry about the future when we could be using those moments to take in what we have left in front of us.

the one thing i really missed about my hometown was the beach. i missed just rotting with a book, people-watching, and listening to music. i was home for spring break and i was watching the sunset, but i left right before it fully set. i got in the car and i was like “wtf, what possessed me to get up right then?”

i could’ve stayed and enjoyed the rest of daylight morphing to dusk, however, i left. i didn’t enjoy the end, which is usually one of my favorite parts of a sunset. and there was no logical reason for that, but there’s no logical reason to stay either: i’ve seen sunsets before, why do i have to sit through this one?

sometimes i don’t see the end through because i want to be in control. i’ll think about what could’ve happened at the end of the sunset or the end of an era, but i won’t know how it really ended because i didn’t let myself see it for real. it’s a cop-out where i’m in control of not being in control (that makes no sense holy shit). i can blame it on something else that’s not me.

in this way, shit is unserious. if we can feign control over something that will happen regardless of whether we see it or not, is it really control? it is the human illusion of grasping at straws that will never stack up into a stable house.

i forgot where i was going with this i just started yapping tbh, so good luck trying to decipher wtf i just said.

if everything made sense, there would be no reason for philosophers or politicians. so really, you should be mad that nothing makes sense.

happy april xx