From the family dynamics we create to the way we present on social media; every inch of our culture is moving into a hyper-individualistic mindset. Our social movements, relationships, and self-perceptions reflect our increased individualistic society.
Individualism is a philosophy that stems from capitalism. In a capitalist society, there is a focus on monopolization, owning property, and individual growth that can only result from greed and the exploitation of others. It’s hard to learn to care about people, cultures, and the planet when you are told to only focus on profit. The ideas of capitalism spread past economic theory and become social implications. If business works in a way that focuses on your personal gain first, then why shouldn’t your personal life follow the same rules?
“Look out for #1,” they say. #1 meaning yourself. Put your needs and desires before others. Think of the way you will benefit and not how the collective will be. It’s easy to put ourselves first because we can rarely conceptualize that there are other people who have real feelings and needs. We only know our own lived experience and it’s hard to grasp that other people struggle like us. It feels like everyone else is the pawn; an easy sacrifice to protect you, the King.
In many ways, our social movements have followed suit, becoming intensely focused on how individuals will benefit rather than the collective group, or even beyond the marginalized group.
Feminism, for example, is seen by many as a movement about choice. Give women the right to choose to be stay-at-home moms or choose to uphold intensely patriarchal or capitalist ideals because they are women.
The overwhelming desire for choice feminism opposed to other forms of feminism is how individualism has plagued social movements. People think it is just a choice to make decisions that can cause harm to many and should be respected because it is in the name of giving women the power to choose. But how does it help anyone but the individual? On a collective level, more people, namely women, can be harmed by their choice.
The other day, someone told me, “You are what I want to be as an activist.”
I laughed and dryly said, “I have nothing to lose when it comes to my activism.”
That’s the truth of the matter. As a black woman, I truly have nothing to lose by yelling as loud as I want, demanding those around me to listen. So many “allies” fall short because they are hesitant. They are scared to fully put the needs of marginalized groups before their own. Their activism is conditioned on how much privilege they will still retain.
When we only focus on ourselves and how we’re impacted, we completely lose sight of how our actions can ripple and harm even more people than they can help. Tunnel vision blinds us to the unsavory truth that some of the choices we make to advance ourselves shouldn’t be made if we want to make a systemic or lasting change. If we all decided we owe everyone a little something, it would bridge the gaps that tear us apart.
There’s this reoccurring phrase I hear on TikTok and those infographics “mental health” Instagram pages. It’s always something along the lines of, “You don’t owe anyone anything.” I disagree to a certain extent. Of course, you don’t owe that random man on the street a smile or your number, but the people whom you do have close and intimate relationships with do deserve something of yours in a certain capacity.
Mental health and therapy words have been weaponized to allow people to cut their friends off or decide that they don’t want to handle certain issues. I’ve seen texts from people telling their friends, “I’m sorry, but I am not in a mental state to handle your issues right now, I am protecting my peace.” Then, they cut off their friend because their friend’s mental health was a burden to their “peace.”
There’s an idea that struggling is toxic. This idea stems from the need to be perfect. We are all products, so we have to sell ourselves to others as such. To struggle, show it, and ask for help from the people closest to you is viewed as something that’s draining and selfish when it’s really one of the most vulnerable things someone can do. If we treat friends and romantic partners as selfish when they open up, it can further perpetuate the idea that their struggles are inconvenient. Interpersonal relationships become conditional on whether someone feels like valuing the emotions of others. Here, peace is insinuated to be something someone must achieve alone and something that is obtained by putting yourself first.
If we push everyone away and let them view what we want them to see from afar, we can still feign control. Our individualistic culture thrives on competition, and this competition is fueled by who can appear better.
It’s almost like people are stars. There are stars that are just in the universe by themselves. Lone stars shine bright for people thousands of miles away to see them. They twinkle and glimmer for show. The ways we choose to present ourselves on social media or just people we pass on the street are the exact same way. We build our personas to just appear vibrant, making our entire being a spectacle that forces people to watch, but when it comes down to it, no one really knows who we are. You don’t impact people in a more meaningful way as a start that just shines from afar.
But a star like the sun supports an entire solar system; its shine and gravity sustain life. There’s a practicality to its properties. The energy you give others helps them survive. In a way, we’re all stars capable of creating our own solar system. The communities we build and the people we keep close are like planets.
Just like the sun, you shouldn’t give all your energy away to the other objects in your solar system. You conserve enough to keep yourself going, which in turn allows you to provide for others. We could all choose to be lone stars, void of providing much more than illumination, or we could choose to form bonds that better the area around us.
I have this fear that eventually, I’ll be too much. At some point, my passions, humor, love, etc. will be overbearing enough for someone to decide to leave. This coupled with an avoidant attachment style causes complications whenever something inevitably doesn’t go my way. I shut down deflect, and don’t talk about what’s happening for a while. I’ll push people away even when all they want to do is help because I think whatever I need to talk about will be the nail in the coffin, declaring me officially too much of a burden to keep around. To keep up and feign self-sufficiency, I try to exude stability. If I can just deal with my issues myself, then I can still be the goofy smart-ass that most people keep me around for.
This idea that we must isolate ourselves and heal before we can let people love us is garbage. We don’t want to drain our support systems, so we shut them out in an effort to work on ourselves. The truth of the matter is, there will always be low points. There will always be moments when you want to shut down and give up. It doesn’t matter how much you’ve “healed”; you will always need others. One person cannot save you whether it be a therapist, close friend, significant other, or even yourself. One person cannot heal you. It is a collective effort to keep growing and evolving into the person you want to be.
As soon as I decide to open up to people in my support system, the issues I once thought were debilitating, become manageable. And even with this looming cloud in my head telling me that the people I care about will leave me, I still choose to make connections with people. Despite our deepest and darkest fears, it is in our human nature to build community.
It is an active choice to care. It is a hard choice, but it is a choice that gives us all a purpose. Individualism promotes caring for others with conditions. Conditions of stability and worth drive how we learn to love. Obviously, those we choose to love and surround ourselves with need to be people who treat us with respect, kindness, and care.
To love yourself, you must let people love you first. You must understand what it is that makes you worthy of existing. You cannot heal alone or with one person in your corner because it can take multiple viewpoints to see something that they might find obvious.
Our individualistic culture might pull or sway you to view connections as optional, but they aren’t. Don’t let yourself be a lone star. Connections save us. To reach our self-defined peace and a functioning society, we must all actively look beyond ourselves. Sometimes, what’s best for others ends up helping you in the long run. Ground yourself in love and the hope that through your contributions, you can build a better place.