Insecurity is Feminine

a think piece on insecurity in women and the feminine experience

Let’s play a game. Clear your head and imagine a teenage boy, about 16 or 17. His facial hair has barely grown in, and he says he’s 6’2 (he’s 5’10 at best). This boy happens to be a ‘student athlete’ which apparently extends to juniors, riding the bench on their school’s junior varsity team. He posts his ‘highlights’ (a wide-open three-pointer) on his Instagram, showing people his skill at a game he’s been playing since he was a child. I’m sure this description fit at least one boy you’ve known throughout high school. The one question we all have is: How the hell is he confident enough to show the world how mediocre he is?

The unearned confidence of a man has always been confusing to me. An overconfident man who has nothing to be confident about never ceases to amaze me because that is simply impossible for a woman to achieve. Even if a woman has confidence she’s gained from practice and hard work, people immediately turn to tear her down and rip that confidence to shreds.

Unearned or undeserved confidence is exactly what it sounds like: confidence that is gained by just existing. There’s nothing done to gain this sense of security within. Usually, this is found in white people and cishet men. The world was built for people who fall into those categories, so there is no reason for them to feel insecure about that part of their existence. They are acceptable, while people who don’t fit into the mold are not.

Where you find the most underserved confidence in my opinion is in men. Regardless of race, men always seem to strut like there’s nothing to feel ashamed and embarrassed about. And here we are, at the point: Insecurity is Feminine.

Yes, I know men can feel insecure, but let’s be real; what are men insecure about?

When it comes to insecurity in men, it’s usually because their manhood feels threatened. Short men defend their height before anyone even brings it up. Men don’t share their more traditionally feminine interests because their boys will call them a bitch and a girl, which is the worst and most insulting thing you can be apparently. And he better not show his emotions because that is for little girls. The only time a man needs to feel insecure is when his masculinity is questioned.

And yes; this is a problem, but insecurity is not tied to their very existence the way it is tied to people who express more femininity.

To be a woman means to be in a constant state of insecurity. As soon as we’re out of the womb, we are wrong. There is no right way to be a woman. The way we dress, the things we say, the activities we pursue; are all wrong.

When girls reach their teens, dressing more traditionally feminine by wearing floral pinks and cute purses, will garner the response that you’re “too girly” and you’re dressing like that for attention, and if you’re black, older women will say you’re dressing and acting, “grown”.

Once you try dressing and presenting more masculine, those older women and men in your life will ask if you’re a lesbian and say you would look so cute with some earrings in because a little girl shouldn’t dress like a boy.

Additionally, a man who chooses to present more feminine must overcome and face their own insecurities when deciding to break the gender norms. Gay men and Trans women (pre-transition) are shamed for wanting to present feminine and act traditionally feminine because being feminine is the worst thing you could be in this society.

Whether you present more feminine or masculine as a woman, you are met with comments and stares, and judgment. If you were a man, at least you know being hyper-masculine is the safe route to tread. As a woman, there is no safe route.

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Of course, there’s insecurity in physical appearance in everyone because our society moves in and out of trends faster than a sitcom episode. What I find more interesting is women’s insecurities surrounding our interests and our knowledge and skill levels in said interests.

Whatever your interests are, you will be shamed for them as a girl and even as you reach womanhood. We are taught to be embarrassed for liking things. I remember when I was little, I thought Justin Bieber and One Direction were the coolest things, but I never said that out loud because I saw girls getting made fun of because of their fixation on these boys. Popstars and boybands were made to be consumed by younger girls, yet liking them, opens girls up to ridicule.

Not liking things other girls liked became a personality trait. I wasn’t like other girls because I didn’t obsess over Harry Styles. I liked sports and talking to guys about sports and cars and whatever other traditionally masculine activities I could find at a young age. I was a fucking misogynist! It took so long for me to realize that whether I vocalized it or not, I was just like other girls; and there’s nothing wrong with that.

What often gets lost and overlooked is how girls and women perpetuate the patriarchy and misogyny. We throw each other under the bus to save our own faces. I would comment on girls who liked traditionally girly things because I was conditioned to believe those things were cringy and shameful. Feminine things are wrong in our society. The worst thing you can do is like something girls like.

Young girls gravitate toward traditionally masculine things because they think it will save them from the ridicule and embarrassment that femininity brings. But liking masculine activities such as sports and cars brings the same amount of frustration because as a girl, you cannot like anything correctly.

I learned this firsthand. I remember playing basketball at recess with the prepubescent boys who were shorter than me. Their skill and knowledge of basketball were never questioned. They could name their favorite player and never asked why they like Kevin Durant over Lebron James. Me, on the other hand, I always had to explain why I picked LeBron over KD. I had to know all the stats of my favorite players so men and boys would take me seriously when we talked basketball.

And once you get older, it’s even worse because at least when you were younger, people would think you were cute for liking masculine things. Now as a teenager or young adult, you’re doing it for male attention and validation because why would a woman have interests if not to attract a man?

If a girl says she likes a band that men usually enjoy, like Nirvana or AC/DC, she’s immediately asked to name five songs, all the band members and their roles, and the year their first acoustic album came out. You would think you could like something without being completely educated on it, but no. Women are not allowed to consume media the same way as men. Men consume it better, therefore they don’t need to be asked tedious questions to test if they are true fans of whatever it is they enjoy.

You have to like things better as a girl. You have to know every nuance and intricacy of your interests, so people take you seriously when you talk about them. But as soon as you like something intensely, like a true fan, you become an obsessed loser who has no life. You become a batshit crazy stan who will send death threats.

When you’re not taken seriously because of your feminine and masculine interests, it’s so hard not to become insecure. If you stray too far into liking ‘girl’ things you are shamed, when you like ‘boy’ things they try to exclude you from it, or you must walk on eggshells, trying to like whatever it is perfectly.

What can you enjoy without feeling like the whole world is going to judge and belittle you for enjoying it? Your best bet is to like nothing, but then you’d be called boring. We’re trained from a young age to be ashamed of everything we like. It is impossible to just be secure with yourself in these scenarios.

The confidence a cishet male can reach is astounding. He reaches this confidence because the world has never told him he couldn’t. From birth, he’s been praised. His opinions matter to everyone. This is something a woman is not afforded when growing up, so when we get to our teenage and young adult lives, and we’re asked to be confident suddenly, and asked why we’re so insecure and shy, we’re so fucking confused because no one has ever made it seem like confidence was a thing a woman should have.

Rachel Berry (not Lea Michele, even though they are basically the same person) from Glee is unfortunately a great example of how confidence in women works. Rachel is an asshole. When she’s being nice to others, especially in season one, it’s for her own gain. But goddamn, that girl can sing.

In many ways, Rachel is not confident. She’s insecure about her nose despite her admiration of Barbra Streisand. She’s insecure whenever someone gets a solo over her. She’s insecure about whether she’s pretty like Quinn.

But when she opens her mouth to belt an A5 all that insecurity washes away.  She is confident when she is singing because she has put hours upon hours into the craft. Rachel has practiced more than anyone, and she is secure in her abilities. She is confident because she knows how she got there.

What Rachel has is deserving confidence. To be that good, you work for it. But still, even with that deserving confidence garnered from hours of practice, Rachel is insecure because people continuously try to bring her down for posting singing videos on the internet, or just existing.

On the flip side, in Glee, we are rarely shown a guy who didn’t just wake up one day and say, “Hey I’m going to be a singer.” Kurt would be the exception if he didn’t present more feminine by choice. Not that the guys didn’t work hard on the show, but the effort they put in to be good did not match the confidence levels they had. Whenever they were insecure about their performance, it was because they didn’t want to be called gay or feminine for participating in Glee, not because people were attempting to bring down their confidence by insulting the one thing they worked the hardest at.

When it comes to skill-based talents, a woman will overwork herself just to gain the confidence a man was provided with when he was born. Rachel worked hard and people brought her down for fun because it was considered embarrassing for her to have that much confidence, regardless of if she deserved it or not.

Because just existing and trying to be confident gets a woman nothing but hate.

I was scrolling on TikTok the other day, consuming brain-numbing media, and a video of a black woman saying that she believed she was the hottest woman in the world came up on my For You Page. I went to the comments expecting people to say, “slay,” and “purr, you go girl!” uplifting her journey of self-love, but I was in for a rude awakening. There were some slays in the comment section, but most people were negative, trying to bring this girl down for her confidence, saying that she was full of herself. What was most surprising was that this was predominantly women bashing her.

I think as women, we want to feel less alone in this isolating world. If we feel like crap, hating ourselves and filled with insecurities about our appearance or interests, we want other women to feel that way as well. If the patriarchy makes me feel insecure, then you must feel that way as well. In this situation, both parties lose.

For our whole lives, we’ve been put against each other, claiming that we’re different and worthy of less shame compared to other women. It’s a competition and we bring each other down to win. It’s not about having confidence; it’s about having more confidence than her.

If a woman is confident and secure with herself and her interests, she is overconfident. There is no middle ground. Being confident as a woman cannot exist when everyone’s goal is to bring you down. Whether you present more masculine or feminine, anyone who identifies as a woman is expected to be insecure, and if you’re not, you’re a self-obsessed whore who needs to be put in place.

The problem is that making women and girls feel insecure is a joke. If a girl is learning a new skill and she’s not good at it right away, people laugh at her and call her stupid for not getting it. The number of boys that walk into my basketball practice and call my teammates trash even though they just started playing is depressing. How are girls supposed to build confidence in an environment that continues to bring them down for fun? Why would she want to continue doing something that she is shamed and belittled for liking?

Every few weeks there’s a trend that centers around girls listing their insecurities. Our culture revolves around pointing out our insecurities and making a joke out of them. Our pain becomes commodified in stand-up routines where men mock women who have insecurities that are given to them by the society that they live in.

I was in the band in middle school. I played the clarinet and quickly switched to the bass clarinet because I wanted to be different. The woodwind section, especially the flutes, is usually filled with girls. If a guy was in the flute section, he was quickly assumed to be gay and made fun of for playing the flute as a boy.

Testing for the first chair was always a misogyny fest. The boys who played tubas and other brass instruments would shame any girl, regardless of the instrument they played, as soon as they made a mistake. “You suck!” “You must be bad at blowing other things too.” Different versions of bringing down young girls for not being perfect at a skill that they are just learning. Middle school is already filled with so many insecurities because you are just starting to grow up and self-actualize, but it’s even worse when boys make fun of you for sport, making their other friends laugh.

If you say that their comments made you feel uncomfortable, you can’t take a joke. They gaslight you into thinking you’re the problem because you can’t handle and laugh at their abuse.

I would say to solve this we just need to throw out men’s opinions, but it’s not a man vs. woman problem. It’s a patriarchy problem. Obviously, men feel insecurity, but it usually derives from a threat to their masculinity. Whether they are participating in something that is traditionally more feminine or something they believe is not generally for men, men will question those things. But when it comes to doing something masculine, a man will always feel confident, regardless of if he is good enough at it to actually be deservingly confident.

I’m not going to suggest, “treat people with kindness,” even though I am slowly becoming a Harry Styles fan to make up for the lost time, but I do think there are some things that don’t need to be said. I am a hater first and a human second, but I’m not an asshole (or at least I try not to be). If you see someone enjoying something relatively harmless like a TV show or a boyband, shut the hell up. Give them crap when they start repeating Ben Shapiro’s hot takes’ because we do not need any more male podcasters.

We are conditioned to hate women. In sitcoms, women are routinely made fun of for existing. When a woman isn’t innocent, she becomes the devil and she’s crucified with misogyny to remind her of her place in the world. We all perpetuate the patriarchy, and I know I have played part in making women feel insecure whether I wanted to or not.

Regardless of our roles in the patriarchy, insecurity is normal. In a culture that focuses on shaming and punishing people, being scared or anxious about doing something wrong or socially deviant is the only way to feel.

Feminine insecurity is so different because it is constant. Anyone who wants to participate in feminine activities is met with backlash and hate because being feminine is the worst thing you can do. Insecurity is feminine because to be a woman or to present femininity means to open yourself up to the worst parts of the world. You cannot be feminine without people wanting you to be insecure about it.