august's confessional is grey
if this post was a venn diagram, one bubble would be titled, "pseudo-intellectual take" and the other would be "this girl needs therapy not internet connection"
i’ve never really had an attachment to the season fall. i grew up in florida, so seasons didn’t exist. it would get cold, but there was no distinct physical differences in the landscape. always sun, maybe there’d be more or less rain, and palm trees.
it sucks because i think fall traditions are some of the best ones. i love a pumpkin spice latte (but only when the vibes are right), red and orange flannel, and apple picking. so because the vibes are never where they should be to truly enjoy fall, i just never really have.
fall is the season of change. it’s a growing pain before you get to the harsh and cold winter reality. it’s comfy and cozy, stereotypically at least. in florida it’s hot as balls still, but we’re talking about concepts.
and change is all around us. i live 4 hours away from where i grew up and cosplay as a functioning person now. unrestricted freedom to a fault. quiet nights where i’m left to think about how i grew up so fast but still feel so lost, like a deer in headlights. i call my friends from home because it’s weird that i’m somewhere where people don’t know my lore. they’re meeting me at a time when i barely know myself.
and i make questionable decisions when i’m left alone with my thoughts for too long.
i think humans are naturally a little selfish. i think we make decisions and choices to help ourselves heal that end up hurting other people inadvertently. i think our first response will always be to put ourselves first.
but at the same time, i think humans are naturally giving beings. i think we try to impact those around us and create community wherever we go, despite what society may push (individualism.)
and i don’t think one has to exist without the other. i think both trains of thought can coexist because that’s literally just how our brains our wired: be selfishly giving and give selfishly. a true oxymoronic experience that leaves a lot left unsaid and undetermined.
soooo, subsequently, i’ve been thinking about nature vs. nurture a lot: what are the things that are innate to me? what are the things that i learned over time?
but it’s so hard to decide where one begins and the next one ends. have i learned to over-apologize because of society’s pressure on women to always take the blame(nurture), or because i feel guilty for making a selfish choice and i’m trying to make amends because we apologize when we hurt people (nature)?
but it’s honestly probably a mixture of both. so the conclusion i’ve come to is that people aren’t black and white. it’s never an either or situation. it’s always a complete venn diagram of nuances and intricacies that don’t make sense if you try to separate them from each other. we do stupid shit we probably shouldn’t for the right reasons. we do things we think are helpful for the wrong reasons.
people, emotions, and actions are grey. they are complicated and awful and boooooo they suck! but they are also pure, hopeful, and yaaayyyyy awesome.
i live with this inner turmoil and constant rattling in my brain because i try so hard to be either black or white. i’m so scared of being a complex human being because that means i’m just like every other person who i hate: complicated to a point you want to pity them but also punch their face in.
there is a tail to every head on a coin. a balance that is inescapable. and no matter how much i repeat it to myself, i still can’t grasp the concept that perfection is unattainable. it’s pointless to try. we just have to live with the good and unsavory things about ourselves. sometimes, we have to change the parts we don’t like for the good of ourselves and others, but some of the things we don’t like make us full, complex, and nuanced people.
fall, the season of change is about to start. september is a new month, with new moments and challenges. a month to progress and enjoy. a month to reflect and internalize change.
so, may september bring us the change we need and stabilize the change that’s already occurred. it’s hard to start over and constantly have your worldview challenged, but no one’s ever made progress if they’ve never had to fight through it and find themself in the end. just because people are grey, doesn’t mean life isn’t full of vibrant and diverse shades and pallets we can’t enjoy.